According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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