I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
