I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
