Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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