I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
