I smell stomach acid.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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