there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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