Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
