The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
