On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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