So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
