her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
