After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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