So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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