What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's rum buckets o'clock
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
