the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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