Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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