I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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