remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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