I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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