I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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