I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
