My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
