my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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