I'm lost and stupid without you.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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