Whod you bang
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
