Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
