so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
