I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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