just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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