I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
