There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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