I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
