my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
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