I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
