you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
