I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
