im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
