Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
