I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
