Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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