I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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