Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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