i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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