The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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