1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
