im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
We named our party play list daddy issues
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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