Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
