i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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