already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I don't deserve a penis
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
