Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
